Fo Pu: The Ancient Chinese Art of Getting Your Shit Together Read online

Fo Pu: The Ancient Chinese Art of Getting Your Shit Together

  Zi Gu

  Copyright Notice

  Please ask your local bookseller for a print edition and get those to whom you lend it to do the same!

  Fo-Pu: The Ancient Chinese Art of Getting Your Shit Together

  Contents

  frontispiece: Statuette of Ay Wei, Yang Ming period

  Introduction

  1: The Principles Of Fo Pu

  D’ung

  The Yik and the Yuk

  The Psychic Third Nostril

  Learning the art of psychic sniffing

  2: The Book of Pu

  Commentators and Translators of The Book of Pu

  King D’ing

  Engelbert Von Übergrüber

  The Text of The Book of Pu

  1. Hey Yu! / Pay attention!

  2. Huh! / The sound of scorn at contemptible behaviour

  3. K’chong! / The sound of a moving vehicle

  4. Shoo! / The desire for solitude

  5. Ahhhhhh! / The relief that comes when a secret is extracted

  6. K’ching / The sound of cascading money

  7. Oi! / The sound of being caught out having fun at the expense of others

  8. S’Wat / The sound of the heavy mob arriving

  9. Li-Sun / Bad financial advice from a foreigner

  “The Master”

  Fo-Pu: The Ancient Chinese Art of Getting Your Shit Together

  (FromThe Book of Pu: A Book of Chinese Wisdom)

  Zi Gu

  With all the stress, confusion, frustration and bullshit in modern life more and more people are being taken in by Fo-Pu –– the ancient Chinese art of getting your shit together. Fo-Pu has been used by successful Chinese leaders and businessmen for longer than a rat can juggle a litre of coke using chop sticks. For the first time we bring these methods of Chinese thought and practices to the West in the hope that they may benefit others and make us a wad in the process.

  Fo Pu is nothing other than the complete answer to achieving delirious happiness, world peace, halting climate change, making loads of money and not making a total twat of yourself when talking to the opposite sex. In other words, buy it or remain a sad, sorry loser.

  Zi Gu is an expert on Fo Pu as she has a Chinese name and once read something about it in a magazine.

  The Principles Of Fo Pu

  (As outlined by “The Masters of Pu”, in accordance with the principles contained within the Book of Pu)

  D’ung

  The fundamental principle of Fo Pu is D’ung – literally, “shit happens”. D’ung is all around us – in the air, in the ground, in the water we drink and the food we eat. It is in the person who cuts us up at a road junction and in that totally obnoxious bastard who gives you a hard time at work. It is in the cyclist getting in your way when you really need to get somewhere fast, in the ticket inspector who needs to see your ticket on the very day when you didn’t have time to buy one because the dog was sick on the carpet. D’ung is everywhere, working against us, preventing us doing what we want, preventing us getting what we need, obstructing us from keeping up with that snobby cow down the road who has it all just because she and her husband must know someone, mustn’t they. It interferes in every stage of every lives, frustrates our efforts and makes us feel completely shitty

  The secret of Fo-Pu is to recognise that that interference is unnecessary if we can simply bring our lives into harmony with the D’ung, to “orchestrate” our lives with the D’ung, and, by doing so, get the shit out of our lives.

  D’ung is within and without you. Sometimes you inner D'ung is not in balance with the outer D'ung, or the outer D'ung is not in balance with your inner D'ung. Sometimes you need to let some out, sometimes you need to let some in, sometimes you just need to shake it all about. Whatever, the first thing you need to understand is how to coordinate your D’ung in terms of Universal Balance. To do this you need to understand the principles of The Yik and The Yuk.

  The Yik and the Yuk

  The Yik and The Yuk are the polar opposites we find in all the shit and crap we have to wade through everyday. D’ung occurs when The Yik and The Yuk are out of balance, when all that splodginess and ooziness is splodging and oozing in all the wrong directions and getting into and up all the wrong places – it needs to be checked by meditation, discipline and a fistful of wipes. Only then can we move on to confronting – and harnessing –– the D’ung which had splodged and oozed from it. and turn that D’ung towards serving our own ends.

 

  Polarise Yourself/Polarisation

  To achieve the harmony that is Fo-Pu in action, you need to polarise yourself (or, in the U.S., polarize yourself). This doesn’t mean that you have to go to the North or the South Pole or behave like polar bears or penguins. No, it means you need to coordinate and balance your Inner D’ung with all the Outer D’ung and get your Yik and your Yuk in order.

  Stand in the middle of a room and spin yourself around and around until you feel quite sick.

  Now extend your arms and your fingers so that the tips are stretched right out.

  Now rotate slowly until you find the direction where, when you are facing it, you feel the least sick.

  This is your natural direction, where your Inner D’ung aligns with all the Outer D’ung and your Yik and your Yuk, splodging and oozing inside you, are in harmony with all the other Yik and Yuk splodging and oozing outside of you.

  When you feel stressed, face in this direction with your arms outstretched as described above, then;

  Rotate yourself slowly as before. With your arms and fingers sticking right out.

  Now leap up and down on one foot with your right index finger-tip against your nose.

  Grunt “Oy! Oy! Hoy!” at the top of your voice.

  Now place your left index finger on the tip of your nose bend over and hop around on the other leg.

  Once more grunt “Oy! Oy! Hoy!”

  Now you have made a complete prat of yourself – check no one was filming you and, if so, make sure you catch them and delete the video before it is uploaded to YouTube

  It is not just people who need to be polarised but other things as well. Houses also need to be polarised. As it is impossible to spin a house around and make it feel sick you will need to pay someone who has achieved a Higher Plain Of Commercial Consciousness to undertake a special ceremony swathed in mystic secrecy. This is where I come in; contact me for a quote and get your bank cards out.

  The Psychic Third Nostril

  Everyone has a psychic third nostril – yes, everyone, even you. It is invisible so you won’t be able to see it, or pick it, or poke a pencil up it, but it is there in the middle of your face. In Fo Pu we call this “The Psychic Third Nostril of the Plain of Higher D’ung Consciousness.”

  The Psychic Third Nostril allows you to smell all the D’ung and The Yik and The Yuk coming at you.

  Learning the art of psychic sniffing

  You must learn to coordinate your ordinary sense of smell with your psychic sense of smell. Your third nostril – your sense of psychic smell – is your first defence against D’ung. For this reason it is very important to keep your psychic nostril clear by blowing it regularly and, if necessary, by using psychic nasal spray – available by mail order.

  To breath psychically, first you must learn to inhale through your third nostril, as you would through your normal nostrils. Relax by lying down somewhere you feel comfortable – not in your next door neighbour’s fishpond, or the cat’s littler tray or on a bed of nails or something. Your
bed would be the best bet.

  Inhale slowly through your two normal nostrils. Now exhale. Repeat this several times. Now look up at the ceiling. You haven’t cleaned up there recently have you? No. Now, imagine your psychic nostril, imagine it as an opening right through to your psychic olfactory (sense of smell) system. Now inhale and exhale again. Now repeat.

  The Book of Pu

  The book of Pu is a book of examples and observations, of commentary and – sometimes – conclusions. Intended to be more inspirational than instructive, guiding rather than dictatorial, it can still be consulted for insight and wisdom when life has, as the Geordies say, “gan reet doon the cludgy”

  The examples are cryptic, and are in the form of “Visions”. They are followed by King D’ing’s remarks and a conclusion you may wish to draw, or have drawn for you if you are a bit dense.

  Commentators and Translators of The Book of Pu

  King D’ing

  King D’ing was a warlord, a ferocious and highly skilled military warrior. Having taken all he wanted and killed all his enemies he converted to preaching peace and sat down to write a commentary of The Book of Pu. Some of his great words of wisdom are included in the following pages for further guidance.

  Engelbert Von Übergrüber

  The first person to translate the Book of Pu into a European language. A regular journeyer to the east in search of mystic wisdom, he was amongst the first to enter Tibet with the help of the mysterious shaman “Q”, who helped Übergrüber to comprehend the unreality of things material by making his wallet disappear.

  Übergrüber then moved on to China, where he discovered the monastery of the Monks of Pu and learned to follow their teachings, eventually translating the book of Pu into German. On his return to the west he was widely celebrated for his discoveries and even taught Bismarck the practise of yoga.

  .

  The Text of The Book of Pu

  1. Hey Yu! / Pay attention!

  The Vision

  A man is peacefully watering his garden whilst his house is on fire. A neighbour asks him, “Why are you peacefully watering your garden when your house is on fire?” The man says “My house is no fire! OMFG! why didn't someone tell me my house is on fire!”

  King D’ing's Commentary

  Inner peace and tranquillity can be based on false assurance. A man can be walking about with his flies undone, a woman with her top tucked into her leggings.

  The Message

  Wake up and pay attention you twat!

  2. Huh! / The sound of scorn at contemptible behaviour

  The Vision

  A man buys a new laptop. When he comes down in the morning his wife is staring at the machine whilst the screensaver cycles his porn collection mixed up with their honeymoon photos.

  He says: “Lovely, wasn’t it, darling?”

  King D’ing’s Commentary

  A man may follow his heart or his mind, but the man who follows only his loins has switched off the sat-nav completely.

  The Message

  Take control of your destiny, or Windows will take control of it for you.

  3. K’chong! / The sound of a moving vehicle

  colliding with an irresistible sexual urge

  The Vision

  A man with a sexual fetish for pedestrian crossings is run over in the middle of the road. He tells the doctors he was looking for his contact lens when he tripped and his trousers fell down.

  King Ding’s Commentary

  A man who crosses a road may journey for as long as the man who travels down it, but the man who uses a subway at night is taking a walk on the wild side.

  The Message

  Beware of perverts in the road!

  4. Shoo! / The desire for solitude

  The Vision

  A man climbs a mountain seeking to be alone. When he reaches the summit he finds another man already sitting there. He says to the man: “I came up here to be alone.” The other man says; “well you’re not, are you? Sod off.”

  King D’ing’s Commentary

  In a room full of communists, Nixon would have been alone.

  The Message

  Hell is other people, but reality TV is the worst.

  5. Ahhhhhh! / The relief that comes when a secret is extracted

  The Vision

  A man visits his friend in prison. When the guards search him they find a mobile phone concealed up his bottom. The man clicks his fingers and says, “So that’s where it got to! It’s always in the last place you look, isn’t it!”

  King Ding’s Commentary

  What is concealed may be made obvious, particularly if it starts ringing at an inconvenient time.

  The Message

  When visiting a friend in gaol take two gifts, one for him and one for his captors.

  6. K’ching / The sound of cascading money

  The Vision

  A banker becomes allergic to money. He invests in medical research which finds a cure and makes him another fortune.

  King Ding’s Commentary

  Give a banker a thousand pounds and he will eat for a day. Give him an expense account and he will eat for a lifetime.

  The Message

  A man works for a lifetime to earn his money. A banker works for a lifetime to spend it.

  7. Oi! / The sound of being caught out having fun at the expense of others

  The Vision

  The man says to the sage; You’re a miserable git aren’t you? The sage replies “Not at all, I take great pleasure in laughing at the misery of others!”

  King D’ings Commentary

  Mocking the afflicted is wrong – but great fun though!

  The Message

  It’s always nice to know there’s someone worse of than yourself.

  8. S’Wat / The sound of the heavy mob arriving

  The Vision

  A man is caught running about in a bunny-rabbit costume in a well known dogging area. He claims he is a children’s entertainer who lost his way en-route to a birthday party.

  The boys in blue give him a proper kicking.

  King D’ing’s Commentary

  Every moral panic begins with a single pervert.

  The Message

  A man who dresses up as a bunny rabbit had better well be able to run like one.

  9. Li-Sun / Bad financial advice from a foreigner

  The Vision

  A man is flossing his cat’s teeth when he hears of a devastating financial crash that wipes out all of his investments.

  He decides to floss the dog’s teeth as well.

  King Ding’s Commentary

  A broker is someone who loses all your money and then sends you a bill.

  The Message

  Don’t count your goose until it is well and truly cooked.

  “The Master”

  From above a dodgy Cantonese restaurant in Peckham one man has done more than any other to enhance the reputation of Fo Pu in Britain. He is the man they call “The Master”.

  Not for him the delights of the takeaway menu, the sweet and sour pork balls, egg fried rice or other clichés (eat in or sit down, open every evening, late on Fridays and Saturdays until 1pm). The Master is bound on a strict regime of fasting, purging and exercising his mind, body and spirit; tempering them, honing them, getting his mental strength in tune with his bodily fitness, improving both his reactions and his wisdom and harmonising them as if they belonged to a single instrument, mind and body all at once unified as both a weapon and a fount of wisdom.

  He doesn’t do Christmas.

  He may have a stupid long beard and look like he’s 5000 years old, but make no mistake –– or just one, in fact –– and with a cry of “ahhhh-eeeeyahhhh-ahhh-!” he will duff you up a treat, and with the sole of his foot pressing against your throat,

  will open up your eyes to the mystical secrets of the universe, all whilst the smell of onions, soy sauce and MSG floats up into your nostrils from the kitchens below.

  The mast
er is not to be trifled with, or taken lightly. Many have done so and learned to their cost that it wasn’t exactly the best idea they ever had….

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